Here are my sarcastic questions for the day:
Why are the children in Walmart crying? Seriously. Every time I see babies crying… and there seem to be a higher percentage of them doing so in Walmart than any other place in the universe I’ve visited… I want to go up and talk to the baby. I want to say, “Baby? Why are you crying?” I watch the wailing child. Normally, they are being denied more time in the play area. They are being made to put a coat on. They are not being given the big box of Fruit Loops. And sometimes they seem to just be straggling along behind their parents and squalling. I want to go up to every one of these children and say, “Babies! Stop crying! This is the easiest time you will ever experience in your life! You are fed, clothed, tucked into bed at night, given toys, and played with. No one expects anything of you. You have no schedule to keep. No work to do. You don’t even have to make it to the bathroom on time. Just crap in your pants and someone will remove it and replace the diaper with a fresh one and lotion and powder. Yes. An adult will make sure your tushy is soft and smells lovely! Just lay there. Seriously. WHY ARE YOU CRYING!!!??? You don’t even have to pay for the mess you made in aisle three. (Disclaimer… of course, some babies have a good reason. I’m talking about the average child who cries just like all of us did when we were little and had no idea how good we had it!)
Next question: Why do we have to tell people not to mail live animals? I mailed a package recently and went to the US Postal service website to create a mailing label. Somewhere on the page, it had a caution: Please do not mail live animals. I don’t like living in a world where we have to tell people this. I don’t want to have this thought of a baby kitten in a box being shipped across the country. I don’t want to think about the idiot who is stupid enough to do that, either. I think the moron who puts a kitten in a box to ship across the country should get in a bathtub and blow dry their hair. I’m not even worried they might read the tag on the blow dryer, cautioning them not to do so. I highly doubt they can read or care about such rules because I would assume they’re running around sticking forks in toasters.
Last question. What are the ingredients in shampoo, anyway? I stand in the shampoo aisle and try to figure out which kind to purchase. Quite the task. How in the world do we make these decisions? Luckily we have advertising assisting us in our confusion. It’s Herbal. It contains Jojoba! Biotin, Vitamin B7, Tea Tree Oil, it’s Organic, has Collagen and Weightless hydration coconut water!!! Moroccan Argan Creme!! Honestly. I did not know I needed these things. I also don’t know what they are!! When I read these ads, it seems to me they are telling me I am supposed to know what these things are. Oh, yes… of course… Argan Creme. I know what that is! What, you think I’m ignorant?! I’m a woman who shampoos her hair. Of course I know what Argan Creme is. Jojoba? Sure! Biotin? Of course! I wouldn’t dream of using a shampoo without Weightless hydration coconut water. What—you take me for some kind of fool?
There. I feel a little better. Thank you for enduring my rant. Now I’m going to go somewhere and grumble about mosquitoes and flies.